One of the more difficult challenges of being a pastor is that of conducting the funeral “service” of someone I did not know well. Fortunately, for me, that doesn’t happen … often. But, with the radical increase in monster churches (and their Broadway shows for Jesus) and the alarming decline of smaller churches (where people actually know one another by name), each year we are doing more and more “services” for people we do not know. Should you ‘pass away,’ to wherever you are “passing away” to, it is important that you know what I will, and what I will not say about you at your “service” … other than the usual, “Doesn’t he look good... so natural!”

Second, be sensitive to the fact that I will try to present you in a positive light; that what they taught us in seminary. If you never attended church, but loved going to the lake to fish on Sunday, I will say you loved nature, and being that God created nature, you must have loved God; if you were a tight wad, I will say you saved diligently for the needs of your family’s future; if you were uncommunicative and hard to get along with, I will say you were a private person given to deep thought; if you were quarrelsome and disagreeable, I will say that you should be admired for the way you stood up for your beliefs; and if you found fault with everyone and everything, I will say you were direct and forthcoming. But, please keep in mind that no matter what I say, there is a limit to what people will swallow, so don’t overdo it.

Likewise, it will be important, while living, that you not kick dogs, or threaten the neighbors, or try to pilfer a watermelon from Wal-Mart; that way, I may say that you were a ‘good man or woman.’ Likewise, it is important that you keep a Bible at home so that I let all know that you loved the “Good Old Book,” even if you never read it. Participation in church activities is, of course, a definite plus … as is commitment to your spouse, family and friends.

In the Things to Avoid category, I would suggest that you avoid fighting on church property; dipping snuff during wedding ceremonies, especially you own; or raising fighting chickens. Similarly, trying to run down the preacher with your car, snoring audibly during the sermon, reminding me that five of the last six sermons were lacking, or trying to burn down the church, are things that probably should be avoided, and if not, to be done only in moderation.

On the other hand, some things you should not do. Being too sick to come to church, but not sick enough to go to Wal-Mart; or telling everyone in town that you are attending the church across the street because their preacher understands you better than this preacher; these things are in the Definitely Not category. Remember, as creative as we ministers can be in presenting you in a positive light, equally creative we can be in suggesting you kept company with the devil; and I remind you, it is harder to raise yourself from a deep hole than it is to climb down from a tall ladder.

Which brings us to the matter of preachers. There is out there a belief that the more preachers one has at the “service.” the better the odds one has of making it “home.” Unfortunately, this is not the case. Having six preachers compete as to which can most stretch the truth (notice I did not say lie) about the dearly departed loved one, is as effective as hauling a u-haul behind the hearse. Nevertheless, pay your preacher well; he or she will eventually have to answer to all the great things that were said about you!

Point is, live well, be good, be kind to dogs and love people, and above all, live your life in a such a way that when that day comes, I will be as honest with your family and friends as you were in your life to God.